Dear Quilly Girls,

Who is to say that being alone is necessarily a “bad” thing? Especially with a typical college schedule, we’re constantly around people, conversing, interacting, even when we really don’t want to. However, being alone doesn’t mean you need to embrace feeling lonely, and feeling lonely doesn’t ever mean that you are alone. 
Aloneness is something that we grow accustomed to in college, and in life, at one point or another. It is our relationship with being alone that will help us flourish. Being comfortable with being alone, that is a step towards growth that we all could use. So, how do we work on our relationship with being alone, especially on a busy college campus? It is not so easy as staying home, cancelling on plans, or doom-scrolling.  Rather, strengthening our comfortability in being alone comes from putting ourselves out there. 

I became comfortable being alone on campus by realizing that nobody is actually ever paying such close attention to me as I think. Nobody sees me walking alone and laughs to themselves. I started by going to a grassy area and setting up a spot, where I would listen to music and do work on my own. It was such a peaceful part of my day that quickly became a routine. I then moved up to attending movies alone, or taking myself out to dinner or to a cafe, not even thinking about how odd I may look or feel. In order to strengthen your relationship with being alone, you have to be okay trying new things and going to new places without someone by your side. It is a simple practice that is rather freeing. One of my favorite things to do at the start of each term was to write a list of places I wanted to go, and things I wanted to try on my own. Some of my activities included: taking myself on a picnic, reading on the beach, visiting a farmers’ market, and testing out a number of local coffee shops. 

In learning to be alone, feeling confident going places on my own without a companion, I then was able to address my loneliness. You see, loneliness is inevitable sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, or that you constantly need someone by your side. Rather, I have learned that for me, loneliness is a hole left by a lack of socialization or strong relationships. At the start of college I felt incredibly lonely. I learned how to be alone, and do things on my own with joy, but I felt lonely because I had not yet established a steady group of friends. To make things worse, a social media scroll would remind me of all of the things I was missing back home. I started to equate my loneliness to feeling invisible. Like I was going unnoticed. Something people never talk about is how lonely and isolating big cities, big college campuses, and places bustling with life can be. It is like the fear of missing out put under a microscope. For me, living in a new city, loneliness feels like hearing a lively party happening in the other room while I sit alone. 

The exact crossroads of loneliness and aloneness is the fear of missing out. Missing out on opportunities, friendships, and connections because of fear.  But just like making friends, combating loneliness requires a leap of faith. Some of my dearest friends I have made, have been because I was sitting alone in a library or class and found the courage to start a conversation. The way to combat loneliness is connection. We might connect with old friends, new friends, healthcare professionals, platforms such as this, or social opportunities that fight those familiar feelings of loneliness. Even setting small goals such as planning a hangout with a classmate, or introducing yourself to the person you usually sit next to in class, works against that inner monologue of loneliness we all have. It seems like occasionally being alone is a necessary part of our development, but loneliness is something we can always combat and never have to be okay with. 


Love you,
xoxo Quilly